Alien invasion? Yes please!

New Year, new look blog, new ideas and some sense of purpose in posting. Yippee! Something that has been playing in my mind for a while relates to one of the concepts mentioned in theTen Traits of Asperger's (women, girls) which I mention from time to time. The one about not fitting in, not feeling as though one belongs on this planet...

As a teenager and young woman, I frequently fantasized about aliens landing and taking me into their spaceship. There, rather than do horrendous experiments or try to inseminate me, they would actually improve me. Using my genetic code as the basis for some lovely sciency rebuilding from a cellular level, they would take all my bits and improve them to the best they could be, according to my chromosomes. I was big on genetic inheritance! So, banished would be the asthma and allergies, which came from my father and instead I might have my mum's stoicism and physical constitution. It was a fervent wish and a frequent fantasy.

Now in my fifties, with diagnosed Multiple Sclerosis, managed hypertension and flat feet, some of that has come true: I don't get asthma any more! Hours of my life were spent in mental anguish; alone in my bedroom because I had no idea whatsoever of how to go out and be more sociable or how to get hold of that elusive but expected accessory, a boyfriend. At School I was not really a 'loner', but asthma excluded me from many sports, which in turn meant exclusion from the groups of 'fit and popular' types; while interest led me to a small group who were rather nerdy and insular. They didn't do well with boys at first, then improved as I continued to lag behind. If those aliens could have mended me, perhaps I wouldn't have been so lonely for so long?

I really didn't fit in. It's too easy to say that all teenagers are disaffected, or spend time being lonely and confused, of course they do, it's part of normal development. Looking back though, it was all of those years. It varied, there were some social occasions, but so few I can still recount them in detail. Some relief was finding said nerdy friends wanting to go the the local weekly folk club, when we were all seventeen. That was fun, we all passed for eighteen easily, so drank pints of mild ale and sang along to hairy folk bands. Apart from that though? I was no party animal. Clearly alien myself, I needed rescuing!

Standing in the garden at night, looking up at the stars, I would send out my heartfelt wishes in telepathic form - sometimes even empathic, once I knew that word - in the hope that an advanced society on the wing, scooting across the cosmos, would alight and immediately 'know' me as friend. Then, without pain or making me forget what happened, they would transport me into their craft and use sundry molecular machinery in my remaking. It was a lovely fantasy. Sometimes even now, I wonder if those evolved and lovely beings are about somewhere, taking notes of all the requests from disaffected teens, or Aspie women around the globe. Wouldn't it be nice if they decided to drop by? I bet they'd like cake...!

Women Who Think Like Me!

Anyone seen the film production of 'Fiddler on the Roof'? The actor Topol leads, playing Tevye, the patriarch - known as Papa - of a Jewish family living through the Pogroms in Russia during the reign of Tsar Nicolas II.

It is a musical, with a truly beautiful score. It's also a warm and colourful picture of family love and loyalty in the most testing of times. If you have, you may know what I'm going on about as this post continues, if you haven't then find a way to watch it. The joys of the music, Topol's fantastic dancing and a story that uplifts, hurts, warms and challenges the heart are well worth seeing.

Topol as Tevye, 'Papa' in Fiddler on the Roof

So, that's the review, here's why I mention it: Tevye has a constant dialogue with God, which is sometimes depicted as him speaking aloud to camera, or as a voice-over when his thoughts become important for us to hear. His constant reference throughout the film, is to one view of a situation over another. He says 'on the other hand...', then talks this through and again 'on the other hand', a different viewpoint. Always trying to do his best by God, his family and himself. I love it, I do this too.

Here is a clip from the movie, it is Tevye's personal discourse following the news that his daughter Tseitel wants to marry a tailor - not the perfect match Papa had imagined... But on the other hand...!

On the one hand, I have recently - about three months ago - found myself to have some of the traits of Asperger's Syndrome. In particular a woman with these traits, which is how come it has taken until my early 50's to find out. Women on the Spectrum can be hard to spot unless you know what you are looking for. I'm going to repeat a link, unashamedly, to Samantha Craft's Wordpress blog where she has listed ten traits of Asperger's in women. The list is the result of her research and reading, it is written from a personal viewpoint, but continues to serve hundreds in providing information very necessary to many worried and often deeply unhappy women. These are women, who seem to think like me. It was like reading my own history, giving me an explanation for many difficulties I have experienced and squirmed about in life. So, on the other hand... I am only half-aspie. Or thereabouts.

Anyone interested in or wondering why or how I think this, you can do a quiz online here, called the Aspie Quiz. The final outcome will tell you whether you are mainly Aspie, or NT (neurotypical aka 'normal') and if you are in-between too. That's me, I'm an in-betweenie-Aspie. Both sorts of traits. The quiz itself is not frivolous, it is well designed and considered to be quite accurate, though of course not an official 'diagnosis'. Have a go, you might surprise yourself. And you get a pretty picture of your results, with a full explanation of what they are about.

Here is my last test, taken October 2012 with these scores:

Your Aspie score: 115 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 107 of 200
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits
I'm not going to explain all the headings, they do look weird but actually describe simple human behaviour.

So, half-Aspie and on the other hand, half Neurotypical. From the inside, it seems this is how come I can look people in the eye easily enough and have good facial recognition skills. Also, executive function that serves me well in terms of managing money, shopping lists and planning events for other people. Less so in terms of punctuality - see my previous post Executive Re-Style Please for how this affects me sometimes - the 'faff' factor has dogged me since childhood.

Very recently I have had two lots of feedback from people I regard as friends relating to my self-outing as an Aspie. On the one hand, it seemed that friend A. (who doesn't think like me) felt it provided an explanation for some stress I'd suffered as a result of a neighbour dispute at my home. In fact, this is not the case. Perfectly fully-functional completely neurotypical people also have horrendous neighbour problems sometimes. It can leave individuals scared, exhausted and depressed, as they feel unsafe in their own homes. Explaining this made for acceptance, I think mainly because the police accepted it too! I was taken seriously, the local community policeman was very keen to support me. A well spoken, obviously educated middle-aged woman. I come across as totally together... Ah, that's because I am! Both halves, totally together in my whole, newly refreshed with understanding.

Friend B. was sorry that I was now 'condemned to suffer' from being 'other'. My explanation was, and is straightforward: I've always been 'other', only now I know why. The relief in finding a relatively simple explanation for years of anxiety, self-doubt and irritation is enormous. We discussed the point, my view was accepted - that the advantages of this knowledge far outweigh the possible issues of disability - there was concession and a little understanding I think. But she doesn't think the way I do, so it was not easy to explain the positives.

You see, I am not 'condemned to suffer'. My recent life has been enhanced by self-knowledge plus enormous personal support from online contact with, get this: Women Who Think Like Me. I love that! There are other people I can talk to about the vagaries of existence, about important things, about space, science, art, health; especially health! Lots and lots of it! I love talking health! I am using too many exclamation marks! And I don't care.

I like real issues, deep subjects, people who trust me with their thoughts - the essence of friendship - so that some meaning is shared, rather than bare trivia. There is a lot of truth spoken among us. On the other hand, it is always kindly said. There are deeply personal issues raised, while on the other hand there is a great deal of humour.

 I love having found lots of Women Who Think Like Me.

There are plenty of online resources for people who think they may have Asperger's. For women only; affected by, partnered to or caring for anyone on the Spectrum, here is the facebook group called Everyday Asperger's  of which I am a member. It is a moderated, closed group for women only, which means it is a safe place to ask questions or share ideas.

Notes on the Neuro

So far my posts have tended towards revelatory extreme, as I have been processing what it means to find Asperger's Syndrome playing a much larger part in my life than I ever imagined it could. In the physical world a small number of close and significant people have also read the posts and some have commented. There are things I need to say in order to maintain balance and realism about these revelations; I suspect others will need to attend to this kind of 'tidying up' also, when they share their status with relatives and friends.

Aah, to fly eh?

Asperger's traits are not symptoms of neurosis or mental illness. Nor are they necessarily disabling. In fact the opposite is true for me. Sensitivity, coupled with honesty means I feel certain things acutely and am prone to express those feelings rather than hide them. Sometimes that is unwelcome, but without that capacity I wouldn't have been available to some very important people in my life, supporting them through their own troubles or traumas. I wouldn't have been able to process some deep truths that have come my way, then re-worded them for others to understand better.


My ability to empathise, then to process the feelings I experience has enabled me to provide words and images that further explain difficult concepts for a wider audience. I'll give an example; I have MS and some years ago helped set up the first MS Therapy Centre in Cornwall, my input included this page A little about Multiple Sclerosis, which forms part of the website for the Cornwall MS Therapy Centre. I built the original site, the page is all that now survives, after eight years - hey, but I'm proud of that! Here's another link, in the picture I am fourth from the left, beaming and trying to hide from the camera!

I am deeply curious about life, people, the world and many specific subjects. It's the curiosity which is important here, not the subjects of my interest: curious does not mean nosy! It means a desire to learn, find out or make sense of life through questioning or investigating. It is not a desire to discover someone else's secrets in order to mock or claim foreknowledge. In fact it could be considered complimentary. If I am curious about you, what you do or how you live then I am actively taking an interest in you and your life; is that not enjoyable? Don't you want that kind of attention? Some don't of course and I have usually learned to my cost when I have asked too many questions!

Some determination required!

Others clearly enjoy the interest and trust me with their personal thoughts and concerns, I really love them for that. These are true friends, they are few. This is normal, I understand - and if you are an Aspie reading this, I want to reassure you that in the big world of neurotypicality, most healthy individuals have only a small handful of really close friends. Social circles may be full of friendly acquaintances, slightly interesting folk, work colleagues who are likeable or of others who share a hobby; but still, close and deep friendship is a rare and precious thing. It is a privilege to have a trusting and deep friendship, including with family members and it is by no means automatic!

Joy anyone?

As I seem to be doing some personal mythbusting here, you might be interested in learning a bit more about what Asperger's is not here's where to find out.
Reading the above through, the issue with 'finding friends' in life is something I read a lot among the Aspie literature and social media. Here's a thing: if those with Asperger's are more inclined to honesty than the neurotypical, then be aware that perhaps your one or two close friends are more than many NT's actually have. It is a myth that anyone can have loads of friends, it really is. Another lie from the world of those who frankly are more frightened of being alone than you or I should ever be!

For those of you that would like to know more about Asperger's in Females, visit lovely Samantha Craft's blog here (Everyday Asperger's) and read about the traits as she describes them. Non-clinical and non-threatening, the reality of living in a world that can be utterly confusing finds some explanation for some of us here. Enjoy.